A Woman’s Inner Journey Through COVID-19 Stay-at-Home Order, part 2

April 4, 2020

Another week of “writing for an hour” repeating itself on my Bullet Journal task list. . .

I was hopeful a week ago that our country and our state would be slowly getting back to a new “normal” this week. Or, if not this week, then before Easter weekend. Most of you are probably aware that the country is still under the “stay-at-home” for the rest of the month. I am not discouraged or panicked. I am however, looking forward to things starting to open up again.

Mid-week I decided to stop reading and listening to other inputs aside from the President’s Task Force updates and the Governor’s. I feel like that is the best decision for me right now.

Thankfully I am still working as is dear hubby. Even the few things I have to do for the church are continuing on, plus they are making some changes. It will be interesting to see where “we” are in another week.

Connecting with people digitally and/or virtually is interesting, but also very, very good when that is the only option. I am so grateful for technology that allows us all to do that. Right after I typed that I had a couple texts and a FB message ping through.

I am enjoying not needing to drive to and from work anymore and find myself feeling way less rushed and stressed because of it. I suppose I was reaching my threshhold for busyness before this all started.

Internally I am still encouraged and hopeful. I am not in denial about how difficult this is, has been and will be. I just expect it to all work out.

I find myself concerned about the comments I read on social media that are so incredibly negative, spiteful, malicious, and gossipy. It also concerns me that people are sharing “news” that is unsubstantiated. With our population descending into being less and less mentally well, I am concerned about those posts having dangerous affects on others. I do fully support the freedom we have to “speak,” but thinking before sharing feels like another one of the things we can do to protect the most vulnerable. Just sayin. . .

Something really fun that happened is that I applied for a job kind of on a whim a week or so before this whole thing escalated. Thursday night I had an email letting me know that I made it through from stage 1 to stage 1.5 — I am part of the 25% of the applicants who will be whittled down from for stage two. Fun and unexpected! It was challenging filling out the application because it required a lot more thought and input that a standard applicaton. I had decided to look at it as a fun opportunity to learn some things through the process. I hoped that I might have even the smallest chance at being offered the job. So, I feel like I have had a win already!

Finally, I was chatting on the phone with a friend this week and was inspired by our combined suspicious imaginations, so I am going to pop off of here and get some fiction scenes typed up.
~staying at home, on the Indiana prairie

A Woman’s Inner Journey Through COVID-19 Stay-at-Home Order

I am supposed to be writing, but I keep finding other things to do. I have had a task in my Bullet Journal to write for an hour every day this week, but did not follow through.

So after I wrote that last sentence, I got up to make coffee. . . CRACK ON!!!

For fun food for my mind, I have been reading a mystery series set in a small town in MN, centering around a woman who owns a bakery specializing in cookies, at this point in the series. She has a married sister who lives in the town; the sister’s husband is local law enforcement. Her mom also lives in town. Currently she has two love interests who are both very different from each other.

I really like that setting and the clean storyline AND that she sprinkles cookie recipes into her stories, also.

For this trying-to-be-low-carb-and-hoping-to-some-day-be-keto woman, those cookie recipes present a slight problem with cravings. I have noticed however the keto items I have been baking/ making lately, taste pretty good these days. Cutting way back on sugar and on carbs that come from junk food, breads, grains, etc., has its benefits.

The COVID-19 Pandemic is disruptive to a measure, but I am still able to work part time and hubby is also working per usual. I make it a point to watch the Taskforce updates so that I can hear the truth and the facts directly from the “experts.” Otherwise, I listen to an AM Radio station out of Chicago for political commentary from an admittedly conservative viewpoint.

Because I have been working remotely for a few years now, though not exclusively, I am familiar with and comfortable with the tools required for that. A bit of a challenge and a new learning adventure is an add-in we are implementing. Should be fun getting it up and running. And who would have ever suspected that I would be THE IT department anywhere besides my home school Kingdom. All those times when I was troubleshooting my own issues at home have paid off in helping me to be more confident than I would be about tackling some minor IT issues.

I am sad about the cancelled and postponed events, especially for high school and college seniors. Such a bummer to invest so much time and not have the gratification of walking the walk.

This just in, I was just browsing Facebook instead of writing. . .how easily I am distracted.

I. NEVER. BROWSE. FACEBOOK. INSTAGRAM – YES. FACEBOOK, NOT REALLY. EVER.

LOL. Word just tried to add numbering formatting to this document because of my use of periods above. And I think I will title this “A Woman’s Inner Journey Through COVID-19 Stay-at-Home Order.” Is it truth or fiction? Only my hairdresser knows. No wait. . . she doesn’t know because I cannot go to her and have her wash my hair and trim me up and coif me beyond recognition, but in a way that is definitely attractive (thanks, Rainman). But I digress.

About my inner world, which I should probably write about if I want my title to be legit – it is in a peaceful and calm state and has been almost the entire time. It has been ruffled by thoughts about people rioting and looting at grocery stores – TP, eggs, milk, and every item that I really, really, really need; by actually being in the grocery store and seeing some bare shelves; by wondering if people are listening to the completely false information out there and acting on that information; and finally by the unknown about how long we have to stay-at-home and what our country will be like when we arrive at that point.

The rest of the time, I keep turning to God in prayer and reminding myself of the things that I absolutely know about Him and His character that are true. I suppose it’s a good thing that we (He and I) have been working these past few months on confronting my extreme aversion to pain and suffering. Ya know — when you get right down to the question of “will I still view God as good, as loving, as kind in the midst of pain and suffering?” I don’t like to go there in my thoughts, but I feel myself surrendering more and more to surrender and to believing that yes, He is the same no matter what the circumstances, and that WHEN I go through pain and suffering, He will be the same.

I just used the feature in Word where you can magnify/zoom in. What a blessing that feature it to my old eyes.

Anyhoo, I think this C-19 Pandemic keeps the reality that other than controlling myself (on a good day, as Danny Silk says), everything else is out of my control. So I get to moment by moment, almost, relax my grip and just try to enjoy the adventure of this historic time in which we are living.

I also believe it would be best to dream and to plan for a better future; I so appreciate Cy Wakeman’s “Ditch the Drama” strategy of if you are going to imagine an outcome/make up a narrative, why not imagine an amazing and fantastic one? That allows you to keep your peace, to keep your love turned on and to look for creative solutions.

Another way of thinking about it is to be thankful for what I do have instead of complaining, arguing, panicking, negatively reacting about what I do not have. Pollyanna had it right, actually. And personally I would rather spend my time full of hope and expectation of good for the future than the alternative.

Just had a funny short conversation with someone here in my hunker-down spot. I said, “my biggest fear is that you will forget that you have borrowed my cell phone charging cord and take it with you to work, leaving me without one at all.” Hyperbole, much? That is most definitely not my biggest fear (we covered that above) nor is it really a fear. What I should have said is that I am a selfish person who does not want you to borrow my cell phone charging cord because it might inconvenience me at some point. Wow, let it go, girl. [figuratively prying my fingers off of my cell phone charging cord]

I have easily surpassed the hour goal I set for myself for writing. Look at that. It has been fun and quite easy, as it turns out. I may not be interesting, but that was not part of my goal.

 

~prying my fingers loose, on the Indiana prairie

 

A true miracle and other everyday happenings

so, the near tragedy was completely redeemed; miracle kitty lives for yet another day. and that is all I will say about that. i have cried rivers of tears retelling the story. if you want to hear it, the next time ya see me, just ask.

April has been a super fun crazy weird busy new month full. I started an additional part time job. you have heard my story about the first part time job — the dream job, which allows me to set my own hours and to work from home or not. this second part time job is not like that. I have to show up in the church office to do secretarial type things. I worked for the first time last week. it went well.

earlier in the month our oldest daughter and her fiance’ surprised us by showing up for the Running with Racoons 5K at Camp T. what a wonderful gift! then we were surprised again when we returned home afterward to find the rest of the kiddos, those who were not running in the 5K, preparing supper for us. wow!  what a fun, fun, fun day. they surprised us for our 30th wedding anniversary.

and it is mostly spring here now, which is super energizing most days.

what’s going on in your world?

~livin’ better than I deserve, on the Indiana prairie

Confession, good for the soul

in truth, i should be writing something else at present.

but, i want to process a tiny skosh.

(retrieves a pair of lesser magnification cheaters)

i heard via a reliable member of the work grapevine that one of my job duties, which i was one of the four main tasks i was hired to do, will be handed over to someone else soon.

the old maxum of “be careful what you wish for” sits heavily in my soul. and it really is worse than that. i suggested that the new hire, who at the time was unknown, would likely be the right person to do the job.

yes, i battled valiantly and worked hard to make this task happen every week, with only a few weeks where things fell through or the person in charge of the meeting decided not to include that bit of the meeting. and now it is mostly accepted and expected even by the old timers.

of course, this decision is right. yet i feel the rawness of my soul releasing its complaining grasp on this task. thankless task that it has been, it was mine to work out and to follow through with, almost completely mine. in reality, it was never mine. and it is so good for me to have to let go of something. something i blustered about despising doing, yet was grasping so tightly that at the hint of it being taken away, my hand aches and feels the imagined gouges of having it snatched from me.

what a fickle and human person i am. once more, i die, i let go, i release. and i will do so repeatedly until my soul has adjusted to the new reality.

and what will i do for work to replace that task? talk about something that makes me sad. . . i do not truly know.

your will be done.

~letting it go, on the Indiana prairie

Discretionary

I almost feel guilty.

almost.

Using the hours during which I am not at work to expand my job search is sometimes engergizing and sometimes draining.

Today, I am energized and encouraged.

Hence, here I am blogging about it.

I have created several versions of my resume and a cover letter, which I have been submitting and posting various places. I had no idea how much effort this process would take.

And I am only half-serious about finding a new job. My heart goes out to all of you who are without a job or who find that your current job is coming to a hard stop. May you experience favor in your search.

I feel like one bonus resulting from this new “project” is that my dreamer is awakening. I am exploring more possibilities and wondering about ideas that are floating around out there.

Like, what if I could find an entry level writing job, what if I could offer my secretarial services on an hourly as-needed-basis, what if I could find a virtual assistant job? I like the idea, at least, the picture that appears in my head from of each one of these possibilities.

And I like it when I “make it” through the initial screening questions and into “round two.” That has happened twice in the last week. No interviews as of yet, though.

It’s going to be interesting to see what happens  between now and the end of the year.

What advice do you have for me? I’d love to hear from anyone out there who is reading this li’l ol’ rag o’ mine.

~applying, on the Indiana prairie

At Summer’s End

As the beginning of our school year looms closely, I am looking back over the summer so far and seeing progress!

My role at work has definitely shifted a bit in what feels like the right direction. Our VP has been giving me Business Process related projects to do for him, which I am thoroughly enjoying.

Alongside of that, I am also part of the “Leading Change Guiding Coalition.” This give me opportunity to speak up and to ask hard questions of the leadership at our company. It has been enlightening, empowering and great fun for me so far.

I do feel that I am showing up more and more at work, which is what I was aiming to do.

On the school front, I need to pull out all the resources we will be using and review the first week’s lesson plans before Wednesday. At this moment I feel peaceful and confident about accomplishing this – yippee!

Part of the peacefulness and of the me-showing-up-more victory is my return to a Keto way of eating. Coupled with that is trying out a supplement that appears to be helping me achieve more optimal balance in my health overall. Yet another piece of forward momentum for which I am thankful.

Other highlights from this summer include finishing another NaNoWriMo (which I scheduled for myself), a glorious trip to Indiana Dunes Beach with family and friends, the Wonder Woman movie, the best-so-far sports camp outreach in Kentucky and enjoying the FUN of summer here at home.

 

~living large, on the Indiana prairie

The Journey so Far

Somewhere in the back of my brain or the front, I guess I expected that I would blog regularly about my journey into juggling home-schooling and part-time work after over 20 years of home-schooling exclusively.

Almost a year later, perhaps I have some insights and perhaps not.

One of my job responsibilities has completely dropped off of my plate, and that makes me very, very happy.  One other main responsibility is in a holding pattern because of people being hired and/or moved around into the correct “seats on the bus.”

My manager has handed me a couple of new projects, which I very much need and appreciate, otherwise I would not have enough to do.

A couple of exciting developments are that I have been asked to facilitate some meetings (YAHOO!!!), and I have new opportunities to impact the Executive level of the company. These feel like wonderful promotions, though the dangled “prize carrots”  are still in the future/someday soon realm. I am hopefully expectant and impatient.

I feel like I have a better handle on managing my time and on setting boundaries around my time. Given that it’s summer, I am not completely sure that this is true. It is true in the context of my summer right now.

I am continuing to learn and grow in the area of showing up fully and bringing all that I am and have to the equation at work and in all areas of life.

Another area I still need to grow and improve in is to journal as a way of processing through my work day; talking with it about dear hubby is not always optimal, as we both work at the same place.

Learning more about the new-to-me tech tools is another area of growth needed.

The last growth area needed that I will record here is to be more assertive at work. Sometimes I need to ask more questions or push in more. My tendency in these situations is to be agreeable and not to think beyond that moment because I feel uncertain about how to say what I want to say.

~ still learning and growing, on the Indiana prairie

And after the vacation?

Actually, we are embarking on summer vacation already.

And the time away from the grind was good time away, but not what I had hoped it would be exactly.  The fam spent a lot more time in the room than they indicated they would do before we left.  I did not get my alone time after all.

And then there was the new driver, practicing driving the vehicle that we have designated as “not for the kids to drive.”

And she drove for the first time on the interstate. . .which I did not anticipate happening. I felt myself swirling downward, but managed to maintain myself, thanks to Holy Spirit’s help.  Yikes!

Things did get a bit sticky when I spoke out about something that I would not have spoken out about without the encouragement of the truth in “The Emotionally Healthy Woman.”  It was painful and not pretty, but necessary.  I think we have had movement in the right direction since then, my husband and I.

All-in-all, a good get-away.

Another DOT is that I have been asked to help facilitate a few meetings, and I am excited to use some of the Sprint Design methods then.  Also, Don has mentioned that I get to sit in on a bunch of management level meetings about our company’s culture.

WAHOO!!!

~looking forward to summer, on the Indiana prairie

The daily minutia and dots

So it comes to this. I am “writing” while slow jogging.

And of course, talk to text is sketchy at best, as is typing on my mobile, yet I launch.

I’ve been pondering forgiveness, (receiving and giving), and love and the great blessings I have from God. It’s a very good way to start a day. If you don’t possess those things, I encourage you to read in the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John in the New Testament of the Bible; choose the NLT or NIV or Message or Passion versions. Jesus Christ is the embodiment of love, and if you look at Him, you’ll find what you’re searching for.

Still putting one foot in front of the other in all the spheres of influence in my life. Wrestling to believe the truth and to make adjustments as needed. I do feel disconnected from the most important roles that I play. Don’t want that awareness to go away, however I do want the disconnect to connect.

As a wife, mom and home-school parent, intentionality is a key. Husband and two-daughters-at-home and I are taking a combined spring break/ anniversary trip over a long weekend. May our hearts all connect and from there launch stronger journeys together. That is my hope/prayer.

We’ve designed the trip with some time for me to be alone, which may sound weird, but is valuable vacation time for me. Reflecting and regrouping and resetting and prioritizing and re-centering are on my must-do list for that precious alone time. It is what I am craving right now but cannot get out from under the Daily Grind to do.

My very best old friend always gives to me so many things, and her most recent gift of a book suggestion for reading together is a DOT on the reconnecting journey. I have only just begun to nibble on this sustenance, but I highly recommend the book entitled “The Emotionally Healthy Woman.” If you read it, will you please, comment on it here on my blog?

Dots connecting for me about church have put words things I already knew in my gut. God has clarified for me the leadership structure and the level of community being fostered there. I am stewarding this insight guardedly, because I don’t want to prejudice others. So I wait and listen and worship.

Being vulnerable  and showing up at work is becoming more and more my habit. I tend to fear reprimand after I have shown up, yet so far that has not happened.

 

~ living more vulnerably, on the Indiana prairie

Hullabaloo

I can feel that I am avoiding it, though I know I need to write.  So here I am, and here I go. . .

 

Joyful

Excited

Interested

Delighted

Optimistic

Hopeful

Calm

Relaxed

Confident

Brave

Comfortable

Safe

Happy

Trusting

Curious

Anticipating

Eager

Amazed

Dismayed

Stunned

Shocked

Alarmed

Disoriented

Sad

Overwhelmed

Uncertain

Self conscious

Embarrassed

Uncomfortable

Regretful

Not saying that was the exact way these emotions lapped upon my soul nor that this is a complete list, but they were all present at some point and some lingered longer than others before dissipating. Many of them have rolled in and out again with the changing tide that time and perspective brings.

The context, I feel, is too much, thus I will sum up.  Those emotions were my inner response to an exciting project that I had helped to move forward.

With complete innocence and child-like faith and jubilation, I began to read the results of my questionnaire.

That’s when the not-so-pleasant emotions began to crash in undulating waves.

I held it together until my drive home; the details of what exactly I did do while I was still at work after this experience remain hazy at this point.

For now, I am choosing to pray and to wait until more is revealed.

~pressing into my design, on the Indiana prairie