Quiet Steady Snow

Silently, gently showering down since about 9:00 a.m., the pristine white snow blankets our backyard. A double-fisted flock of house wrens plus a few other assorted birds chatter and scold one another as they flit on and off our birdfeeder that was once filled with sunflower seeds. 

“Snow days” sound a siren call to my creative soul – “bake,” they wooed in my pre-college years. “Brood and write alone,” their voices whispered seductively during my college years. Though not as enticing nor as perceivable above the din of having babies, raising children and homeschooling — still their invitation to create was sensed during those years.

Today, after putting in my obligatory 5 hours of work this morning and taking care of the daily household and personal tasks that required my attention, I find myself at the dining room table soaking up the tableau outside. I am not brooding, but I am writing. Earlier today, I moved mentally toward the plan of starting a soup in my Instant Pot (using the slow cook feature, and no, the irony of that was not lost on me in that moment; and yes, I did in fact laugh out loud), but abandoned that idea when I realized that I need to make bone broth this weekend before I make the soup.

The very last task I turned my attention to before writing was to do some more research and planning for the silent prayer retreat that I want to complete in the next few months. In past years, I have scheduled it for near my birthday in February, but this year waiting until after a commitment that I have is completed is a better timing for me.

(A red-headed woodpecker has joined the gaggle of birds competing for the sunflower booty; the smaller birds are less chatty and flitting while he is on the birdfeeder. Group dynamics are real even in nature.)

My hands down favorite place to go on retreat is a small air b-n-b type place in the northern part of the state. The dates that I want are not available, AND it’s more than I want to pay this time around. I have no argument about the price per night; it’s reasonable for the amenities. 

What amenities do I really need on a silent prayer retreat? Am I not getting away so that I can unplug and be silent and alone? 

I think I have been lying to myself about why I have chosen the various locations that I have chosen in the past. The truth is that I do like having the option to not be silent, to entertain myself somehow, to be “plugged back in” if I want to do that. Oh yes — I tell myself that I won’t do that, and generally I haven’t. But I also have not been willing to simply lay down the opportunity to even choose whether I do or not. 

My old nemesis, the desire to control, is a persuasive liar and a master of disguise. I am thankful that God is helping me to see through the smoke and mirrors, but also sad that my desire to control is so strong, so pervasive and so silently present with me. 

I had to dash away for a moment to set up pizza dough in our bread machine. Then while in the kitchen I noticed that there were a few other tasks that needed my quick attention. The lovely vista I return to here recenters me in peace. 

“What if you just receive each day as a gift from me?” God asked me that while I was on my way to getting into bed last night. I didn’t even know that I was complaining or moving toward control or plotting or planning or any other such thing. “Yeah, I would like that, too.” I replied. 

He continues to speak to me about my longing to know and to be released into my calling, which to me relates to vocation. More than a few decades into my life, and still I have no clue. I do sense that way is being closed behind me, rather than way opening. And that is significant to perceive, to understand and to be thankful for. 

Being the “all or nothing,” lover of extremes and user of hyberbole, action-oriented woman that I am, it appeals to me to simply adopt the false attitude of giving up. You know, make a rule and have a catch phrase to remind myself of that rule — possibly starting with “whatever”.

But way closing behind me invites me to continue to walk with God, side-by-side, listening and going with Him. A rule and a catch phrase won’t do. I want to truly surrender and find the peace and joy that results. And even that is a selfish desire. 

Would you help me to desire in my very core to bring glory to You in every thought, attitude, word, action, motivation, relationship. . . in everything, God? It’s not about me and my comfort. 

~ in the waiting, on the Indiana prairie

Heartaches

There are so many, many aches in my heart right now for others near and far. The evil that is boldly advancing on the Earth is heartbreaking. While the battle is truly against principalities and powers, it hurts flesh and blood people here right now. Only God can deliver us from this evil. The Good News is that He has already won the victory. And we have access to that victory through Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Thanks be to God! May we unify in our prayers to God for deliverance from evil.

If you are unfamiliar with that of which I speak, the Gospel of John is a great place to start reading. YouVersion Bible app is free and offers many versions / translations of the Bible. NLT, ESV, NKJV, NIV are all great options. Before you read, ask God to teach you about Jesus and to help you to hear God’s voice as you read.

On a related topic, something God has been highlighting to me lately is how He protects me from things without my awareness. I am so thankful for that. He has been showing me that He protects me from me, also. Today, He made clear to me some immaturity and showed me how He has been protecting me from exalting myself and from being promoted out of my proper “sphere.” Additionally, He showed me that I don’t belong in a certain circle of people. This has caused my heart pain, and I feel embarrassed that I have lived with attitudes and actions opposed to these new revelations. He is so kind, loving, and merciful. I am grateful for His wise protection. My heart aches, but I know and rely on the love He has for me.

Learning from and leaning on Jesus, on the Indiana prairie

Slowing down to keep pace with

Hey, friends. Here we are on almost the last day of July 2023.

Yup, I have some goals for this year and so far some are on track:

• Relationships as a priority, including God, family, friends, co-workers and new-to-me people
• Intentionality and being present to the moment as a daily practice
• Slowing down enough to encounter Jesus as often as possible throughout the day
• Pursuing creative/life-giving practices weekly
• Vulnerability and showing up as my true self to the measure that He enables me to do that
• Saying yes to some things that are outside my comfort zone and that are not necessarily in my skill set
• Reflection about the events of the day and my responses throughout the day
• Personal retreat in the spring

Some of the things that I have not successfully pursued as of yet:

• Quilting – repairing a quilt and sewing a new quilt are on my list
• Learning to use my new-to-me sewing machine – it’s computerized and has so many amazing features
• Gardening – my “Charlie Brown” garden is kinda sad. Not sure what happened to some of the seeds, but they did not sprout. I even tried a second replanting and still nothing in those bare spaces. To be fair, I have probably had a return on my investment that matches my investment. I would like to be more knowledgeable and prepared for next year.
• Hiking and camping combined
• Frequent visits to a beach
• North Carolina trip to visit our daughter and her family out there
• Personal retreat in the fall
• Blogging more consistently and more often than once a year

In other news:

I have started learning to play Pickleball thanks to some friends from our church. I think I could get to the point where I truly enjoy playing for the fun of it. Time will tell.

Due to lack of clients, I deleted my VA website. I am still available for projects; I’d be happy to discuss the possibility of working with you: https://calendly.com/amydemoss/ .

And yes, the team I am a part of at one of my jobs is STILL working on the project we were assigned almost two years ago. It continues to astound us with its intricacies and complexities. I think the seemingly never ending new scenarios in this project reflect the challenges of being a company that innovates in response to customer requests for products which meet specific needs in the niche. Our team has a BIG goal of being completely finished with this project by the end of 2023. . . And then one of our team members is being pulled into a different team to help until a key position is filled. That’s life.

~still living large, on the Indiana prairie

A Blink and a Nod Later

Happy Thanksgiving, a couple of days late.

And just like that it is almost the last day of 2022.

Many wonderful trips up north to spend time with dear daugher and dear granddaughter.

New to us Pastor and his family at church about who I wonder how we ever did without.

New ministries popping up at church.

Same job, same project over a year later that feels like we have barely moved forward.

No new clients in my VA business, which makes me sad and bewildered.

Occasional connection with son and dear grandson.

Dear daughter married to a wonderful new son in love (not gonna apologize for that nomenclature).

Many sorrows and many joys this year. I am thankful for the steadfast love of the Lord.

Today, it feels like something has shifted. I suppose the next time I come here to blog, I will have a better understanding of that.

~ embracing Advent, on the Indiana prairie

Where she go?

Hi, gentle readers. I had no intention of leaving you abandoned for so long.

Truth is that other things had my attention; I have been trying to put my “extra” time toward launching a Virtual Assistant business. So there’s that. Status – still trying to truly launch after some initial great progress. Nada now. . . If you know anyone who is looking, I would love to have a chat. https://calendly.com/amydemoss/

I don’t want to hawk that side hustle here, though. I really want to catch you up — it shouldn’t take long.

The fall of 2021 was kinda beautiful out in nature; it is my favorite season, so I am partial. We celebrated Thanksgiving at our home with family and enjoyed the usual feasting and family fun. Every moment spent together with family is a very precious gemstone!

Christmas 2021 did not go as planned; one of our daughters was SICK, so she and her intended did not make it to our celebration together. We did pass gifts off to each other in our driveway, which was a consolation to my mom’s heart. It was good to be together with all who could be together including our at-that-time unborn grandchildren (our first two).

Winter slogged forward with snow and some ice pummeling us off and on; dear hubbie was happy that he decided earlier in 2021 to invest in a “cheap” snow blower. I continued to work remotely with the exception of some in-office training with new team members. Dear hubbie continued to work in the office. The fear porn that has held so many in prison did not affect us and our day-to-day lives. Sadly, it is affecting us tangentially. May God help us all.

Here in almost Spring 2022, we are having gorgeous sunshiny days of warmer temperatures and early flowers pushing their buds up through the ground. Earlier this month we were surprised by both of our new grandbabies arriving within one day of each other; they were due about a month apart. Both babies and moms are doing very well given their particular challenges; neither delivery was a “normal” experience for the moms and babies. We are very much looking forward to meeting and to holding these fabulous new wee people and to be with their parents.

That’s the high-level overview of the facts of what has been going on with me. How do I feel? Deep inside my spirit and soul, I am well and at peace. I have hope and expectation for all of the loving, good and prosperous things that God has for me each and every day. The chaos, destruction, hate, lies, deception, crime, and gaslighting in the natural cause me to battle discouragement, frustration, anger, helplessness, powerlessness, and depression frequently throughout the day. I am also restless and dissatisfied with my job role. While I am thankful for many things about my job and thankful that I have a job, it is a struggle every day to show up and give my very best.

What do I need? I think what I need is something significant to do — I need to find my people who are a part of my destiny so that I can find my calling. At this moment and in myself I do not know how to close that gap. I don’t want to just pick something and throw myself into it. I want it to align with what I am created to be and to do. I find myself again in a season of pain and disappointment in which He is simply asking me to hold His hand as we walk through it together. And being with Him like that is a most wonderful place to be. The dying to self part is relentlessly painful, but the end result will be golden.

~tying to be the very best version of me I can be today, on the Indiana prairie

Check-in, announcement and a freebie

it has been awhile, gentle reader.

things are messy and ugly and completely upside down seeming in the “outside world.” close to home and in my inner world, it is well with my soul.

still seeking what i am called to be and what “vocation” aligns with that.

for now, i am launching a Virtual Assistant service; check it out at ConnectWorkTasks.com.

today’s freebie is to strongly encourage you to go out and seek information for yourself; do not just believe the current regime’s rhetoric and the talking points from the talking heads in the media. spend some of your browsing time seeking truth. for example, are you confused about the C-19 sh*ts? go to the CDC website and read; i would recommend also looking at the vaccine adverse effects reporting site data there or go to openvaers.org and see a dashboard of the CDC’s data. make an informed decision, weighing information and reputability of sources.

~living free and seeking truth, on the Indiana prairie

What I am learning about Spiritual Direction – part 1

Spiritual Director helps me make sense of the witess of the Spirit – assisting me to respond well to the questions: How is God present to me and how is God, through the ministry of the Spirit, at work in my life?

In this case, “to direct” is to be a companion with an agenda to help me, the directee, to direct heart and mind to listen to the One most needed, Jesus Christ. Another way to say it is that the agenda of spiritual direction is to direct the attention of the other to the Presence of God in his/her life.

Questions: Where do you sense the Presence of god in your life at this time? As I listen to you, I wonder if . . . might be good to consider?

It is a personal and individual meeting of attention to one person, at this time and in this place.

In the time and space of Spiritual Direction, I can give my purposeful, focused attention to the state of my own soul with the Spiritual Director being co-listener and fully present to me and to God.

Nothing but two things: assisting me to make sense of of my experience of Christ and to make application of the Scriptures to my specific circumstances.

Spiritual Directors foster Godward orientation.

Spiritual Direction rests on this fundamental truth: God is good and faithfully benevolent toward all that He has made. Grace sought is to foster my capacity to know, love and serve Jesus.

It is intentional conversation about the work of the Spirit in my life. When I come to spiritual direction I affirm that Christian life is lived in radical dependence on the Spirit and through intentional response to the Spirit. And the Spirit sets the agenda of the sessions.

Question: Where is the Spirit present to me and calling for growth in faith, hope and love.

One goal for spiritual direction: that I would know God, grow in my capacity to hear God, and mature in your faith and obedience to God and to God’s call.

Transformation is a by-product of knowing Christ.

What is happening to me emotionally? Where is there sorrow or joy?

Waking up; behind the scenes

what i see playing out before me is not new; King Solomon got it right that there is nothing new under the sun. since almost the beginning of time, The adversary and his minions have been anti- everything that God created and called good. the assualt has been relentless, vicious and destructive. its ultimate end is death and separation from God forever. this plays out every day and has played out every day since the beginning. people; circumstances; types of oppression, destruction, chaos, confusion, hate, and division have changed (think “progressive”) over time, but The adversary’s plan and purpose and activity have not deviated. kill, steal, destroy.

the Good News is that The adversary has already been defeated; he is a created being, and his Creator has already won the victory. everyone gets the opportunity to share in the victory, though the prize is yet to be experienced. which have you chosen? which will you choose? life or death? freedom, joy, peace and eternal life free from the cares, sorrows and evil of this world await. why wait? choose life. what have you got to lose?

~contemplating and fully awake, on the Indiana prairie

Disappointments and bittersweet memories and a freebie

Did I expect to be facing the multitudinous bummer circumstances in my world right now? It feels like I was blindsided by about 90% of it, so, nope. I especially did not expect to experience such a long season of disappointments nor to be continuing to process through them even to this very moment. Unprocessed events are experienced as trauma, no matter how “big” or “small.” So, yeah — let’s process, God.

Consequently, today’s freebie is: be present in the moment in which you find yourself. Fully experience it and process it. Suck the marrow out of those bones. Have no regrets. Give everything you have to that moment. Feel every feeling. Consider carefully and thoughtfully your words before you speak, but speak up and let the world know how you are experiencing it/them. Love whole-heartedly, open-handedly and unoffendably. Forgive readily without being asked, right way and without delay. You will be so glad that you did.

On this other side of 50 years on this earth, I find that I am amazed and saddened at what I simply do not remember. I love finding photos, hearing stories, reading cards and letters and journal entries from those days, but I also grieve because the brain memory sometimes is just not there. I also find that I am thankful more and more every day for a full life so far. I am blessed beyond measure. Despite the disappointments of the past year, I have been given so, so, so much that is truly valuable and eternal.

I will be 57 years old on Sunday. A lot of cliche things are running through my mind that I could type. As I am not guaranteed tomorrow or even the next minute, I choose to remind myself of my “freebie.” My heart is so full that it spills out of my eyes, and I give thanks to God.

~de-cluttering, processing and remembering, on the Indian prairie

Unacceptable

Starting with the stay at home order in March 2020 up until now, this season has been unacceptable. . . at least in many spheres.

I am currently continuing to unpack that.

God is still on the throne, is still a good Father, is still kind intentioned toward humanity, is still working out His redemtptive plan and is still at peace.

And that is more than enough for me.

~wrestling with my humanity, on the Indiana prairie