Quiet Steady Snow

Silently, gently showering down since about 9:00 a.m., the pristine white snow blankets our backyard. A double-fisted flock of house wrens plus a few other assorted birds chatter and scold one another as they flit on and off our birdfeeder that was once filled with sunflower seeds. 

“Snow days” sound a siren call to my creative soul – “bake,” they wooed in my pre-college years. “Brood and write alone,” their voices whispered seductively during my college years. Though not as enticing nor as perceivable above the din of having babies, raising children and homeschooling — still their invitation to create was sensed during those years.

Today, after putting in my obligatory 5 hours of work this morning and taking care of the daily household and personal tasks that required my attention, I find myself at the dining room table soaking up the tableau outside. I am not brooding, but I am writing. Earlier today, I moved mentally toward the plan of starting a soup in my Instant Pot (using the slow cook feature, and no, the irony of that was not lost on me in that moment; and yes, I did in fact laugh out loud), but abandoned that idea when I realized that I need to make bone broth this weekend before I make the soup.

The very last task I turned my attention to before writing was to do some more research and planning for the silent prayer retreat that I want to complete in the next few months. In past years, I have scheduled it for near my birthday in February, but this year waiting until after a commitment that I have is completed is a better timing for me.

(A red-headed woodpecker has joined the gaggle of birds competing for the sunflower booty; the smaller birds are less chatty and flitting while he is on the birdfeeder. Group dynamics are real even in nature.)

My hands down favorite place to go on retreat is a small air b-n-b type place in the northern part of the state. The dates that I want are not available, AND it’s more than I want to pay this time around. I have no argument about the price per night; it’s reasonable for the amenities. 

What amenities do I really need on a silent prayer retreat? Am I not getting away so that I can unplug and be silent and alone? 

I think I have been lying to myself about why I have chosen the various locations that I have chosen in the past. The truth is that I do like having the option to not be silent, to entertain myself somehow, to be “plugged back in” if I want to do that. Oh yes — I tell myself that I won’t do that, and generally I haven’t. But I also have not been willing to simply lay down the opportunity to even choose whether I do or not. 

My old nemesis, the desire to control, is a persuasive liar and a master of disguise. I am thankful that God is helping me to see through the smoke and mirrors, but also sad that my desire to control is so strong, so pervasive and so silently present with me. 

I had to dash away for a moment to set up pizza dough in our bread machine. Then while in the kitchen I noticed that there were a few other tasks that needed my quick attention. The lovely vista I return to here recenters me in peace. 

“What if you just receive each day as a gift from me?” God asked me that while I was on my way to getting into bed last night. I didn’t even know that I was complaining or moving toward control or plotting or planning or any other such thing. “Yeah, I would like that, too.” I replied. 

He continues to speak to me about my longing to know and to be released into my calling, which to me relates to vocation. More than a few decades into my life, and still I have no clue. I do sense that way is being closed behind me, rather than way opening. And that is significant to perceive, to understand and to be thankful for. 

Being the “all or nothing,” lover of extremes and user of hyberbole, action-oriented woman that I am, it appeals to me to simply adopt the false attitude of giving up. You know, make a rule and have a catch phrase to remind myself of that rule — possibly starting with “whatever”.

But way closing behind me invites me to continue to walk with God, side-by-side, listening and going with Him. A rule and a catch phrase won’t do. I want to truly surrender and find the peace and joy that results. And even that is a selfish desire. 

Would you help me to desire in my very core to bring glory to You in every thought, attitude, word, action, motivation, relationship. . . in everything, God? It’s not about me and my comfort. 

~ in the waiting, on the Indiana prairie

Trusting in the slow work of God

Endings are beginnings. A closed door offers a the opening of a new door. Change in responsibility = margin created.

On this last day of September 2023, one of my jobs ends; it’s a mutally acceptable arrangement, and one that I have encouraged. I will miss the challenge, but am excited to embrace the new, yet-to-be-seen things that are ahead.

One major theme this year has been the invitation daily, moment-by-moment to trust in the slow work of God in myself and others. He has been showing me that it is often easier for me to trust in His slow work in others; I hold myself to a different standard. . . which means that I am believing the lie that I can control God’s work in me. And there I go again — seating myself on a throne. Forgive me, Lord.

Another theme of late is the realization of how late the hour is and how little time I probably have left on this amazing Creation Earth. The divine tension between these two themes is where He meets me and transforms me to look like Him.

May God’s will be done. Nothing more. Nothing less. Nothing else.

~ following in His footsteps, on the Indiana prairie

Speak Life

i keep hearing the same theme. oft shrouded by various subplots, i hear “this is who i am.”

the minutest particle of each person’s being shouts this from the moment formed in God’s mind.

and all of Hell sets itself against true identity.

the messages spoken to and over us from conception shape and form, often mishape and distort, each one’s perception of identity.

at this moment in history, creativity crazily births fever-pitched ideas and definitions of identity, all the while, the Enemy of our souls wages war against each one — division, hate, name calling, pride, repaying evil for evil.

bleak and scary stuff, really.

ready for the good news, friends? our Enemy does not truly create, but imitates, altering the original. which means

God

is

working

even

now,

revealing

true

identity

to

each

one

of

us.

the hard part is tapping into what He has said and is saying about me and about you. with so many voices speaking the lies of the Enemy, focused effort is required to seek and to know and to believe the truth about identity.

we are not each other’s enemies. the Enemy is our enemy.

i heard someone i respect repeat one of his life rules again today. he said something like he purposes to never discuss a problem with anyone who is not part of the redemptive solution to the problem.

we are each one a solution to helping each other discover real identity. so i am sharing this with you.

what would happen if we committed to two things this year?

1. while remembering that the power of life and death resides in the tongue, I purpose to speak life in every situation or to not speak at all.
2. I purpose to discuss a problem only with the person or people who is/are a part of the redemptive solution.

and if we stretched that to include the written word, what would happen?

I’m in. Are you?

 

~all in, on the Indiana prairie

Re-entry

did i mention it here before? i could do a search, but it really doesn’t matter. two years ago I trepidatiously re-entered the work-outside-the-home world in a role that was not fully my jam. yet, it offered flexible hours, work from home options and the chance to learn much about engineers and about a new-to-me industry. so far this adventure has been beneficial financially, intellectually and personally because I have had the opportunity to grow and to learn, not to mention to step far outside my comfort zone.

currently, i am still a full-time home maker / home school teacher, which has also been a transformative crucible. until recently, i only suspected that this combo role was not actually my jam; a little wonder of a test called “The Predictive Index” confirmed my suspicion for me. in that moment, i experienced feelings of validation (I knew it!), relief, panic, confusion, joy, grief and anticipation – it was like swimming in a whirlpool of those emotions.

good news – i know that i can do hard things and can function adequately outside of my design. it has been and continues to be generally the context in which i find myself. doing things outside of my design is not a bad thing.

more good news – now that i am more fully aware of my design, i am beginning to look for opportunities to invest my true self into. some of those opps i have found and am currently participating in, including outreach and some of the things i do at work. still, i know there is more for me.

if you are a home school parent who has launched a student or student(s) and who is planning re-entry into the work-outside-the-home world, go for it! you have been doing one of THE most difficult and rewarding jobs already. the skill set you have acquired is applicable and needed in our world. and what you carry inside of you, all that you are, is needed in our world.

take opportunities and do not be afraid to make mistakes and to learn new things. your potential is as valuable, if not more valuable than your abilities in this present moment.

keep your dreams alive even if you do not find your dream job (or even know what that is) the first time. if you decide that the job experience will not be wasted, then it won’t be wasted.

be quick to own up to and to clean up your mistakes/messes. be quick to ask how you can help. be quick to listen and slow to speak. honor and respect everyone. build on the foundation of love. simple, but not easy.

most importantly, be you at all times. it is incredibly exhausting to try to be someone other than who you are, yet incredibly easy for some of us to fall prey to this practice. practice being who you really are.

each one of us is living a journey and a story. each of us is the star of our own journey/ story.

where are you? what is happening in this part of your story?

~enjoying the journey on the Indiana prairie

Another One

Yeah, I did it.

I started another one — in November no less.

It has been a hectic project, much more hectic than the other two times.

I cannot remember names from the others, in the series let alone keep track of the current story line from day to day. I must have had more time to ponder the story when I did this before.

Here I am with one day to go and almost 900 words to go until I hit my goal.

Just a week ago, I was despairing that I might not reach my word count goal.

Today I am despairing that there will be no resolution even in 1000 words.

And yet, I will still “win.” The raw fodder can be worked on and improved.

In all my free time

between 2 and 4 in the morning.

I’ll most likely be up anyway.

 

~almost to the finish line, on the Indiana prairie.

The Journey so Far

Somewhere in the back of my brain or the front, I guess I expected that I would blog regularly about my journey into juggling home-schooling and part-time work after over 20 years of home-schooling exclusively.

Almost a year later, perhaps I have some insights and perhaps not.

One of my job responsibilities has completely dropped off of my plate, and that makes me very, very happy.  One other main responsibility is in a holding pattern because of people being hired and/or moved around into the correct “seats on the bus.”

My manager has handed me a couple of new projects, which I very much need and appreciate, otherwise I would not have enough to do.

A couple of exciting developments are that I have been asked to facilitate some meetings (YAHOO!!!), and I have new opportunities to impact the Executive level of the company. These feel like wonderful promotions, though the dangled “prize carrots”  are still in the future/someday soon realm. I am hopefully expectant and impatient.

I feel like I have a better handle on managing my time and on setting boundaries around my time. Given that it’s summer, I am not completely sure that this is true. It is true in the context of my summer right now.

I am continuing to learn and grow in the area of showing up fully and bringing all that I am and have to the equation at work and in all areas of life.

Another area I still need to grow and improve in is to journal as a way of processing through my work day; talking with it about dear hubby is not always optimal, as we both work at the same place.

Learning more about the new-to-me tech tools is another area of growth needed.

The last growth area needed that I will record here is to be more assertive at work. Sometimes I need to ask more questions or push in more. My tendency in these situations is to be agreeable and not to think beyond that moment because I feel uncertain about how to say what I want to say.

~ still learning and growing, on the Indiana prairie

The daily minutia and dots

So it comes to this. I am “writing” while slow jogging.

And of course, talk to text is sketchy at best, as is typing on my mobile, yet I launch.

I’ve been pondering forgiveness, (receiving and giving), and love and the great blessings I have from God. It’s a very good way to start a day. If you don’t possess those things, I encourage you to read in the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John in the New Testament of the Bible; choose the NLT or NIV or Message or Passion versions. Jesus Christ is the embodiment of love, and if you look at Him, you’ll find what you’re searching for.

Still putting one foot in front of the other in all the spheres of influence in my life. Wrestling to believe the truth and to make adjustments as needed. I do feel disconnected from the most important roles that I play. Don’t want that awareness to go away, however I do want the disconnect to connect.

As a wife, mom and home-school parent, intentionality is a key. Husband and two-daughters-at-home and I are taking a combined spring break/ anniversary trip over a long weekend. May our hearts all connect and from there launch stronger journeys together. That is my hope/prayer.

We’ve designed the trip with some time for me to be alone, which may sound weird, but is valuable vacation time for me. Reflecting and regrouping and resetting and prioritizing and re-centering are on my must-do list for that precious alone time. It is what I am craving right now but cannot get out from under the Daily Grind to do.

My very best old friend always gives to me so many things, and her most recent gift of a book suggestion for reading together is a DOT on the reconnecting journey. I have only just begun to nibble on this sustenance, but I highly recommend the book entitled “The Emotionally Healthy Woman.” If you read it, will you please, comment on it here on my blog?

Dots connecting for me about church have put words things I already knew in my gut. God has clarified for me the leadership structure and the level of community being fostered there. I am stewarding this insight guardedly, because I don’t want to prejudice others. So I wait and listen and worship.

Being vulnerable  and showing up at work is becoming more and more my habit. I tend to fear reprimand after I have shown up, yet so far that has not happened.

 

~ living more vulnerably, on the Indiana prairie

Hullabaloo

I can feel that I am avoiding it, though I know I need to write.  So here I am, and here I go. . .

 

Joyful

Excited

Interested

Delighted

Optimistic

Hopeful

Calm

Relaxed

Confident

Brave

Comfortable

Safe

Happy

Trusting

Curious

Anticipating

Eager

Amazed

Dismayed

Stunned

Shocked

Alarmed

Disoriented

Sad

Overwhelmed

Uncertain

Self conscious

Embarrassed

Uncomfortable

Regretful

Not saying that was the exact way these emotions lapped upon my soul nor that this is a complete list, but they were all present at some point and some lingered longer than others before dissipating. Many of them have rolled in and out again with the changing tide that time and perspective brings.

The context, I feel, is too much, thus I will sum up.  Those emotions were my inner response to an exciting project that I had helped to move forward.

With complete innocence and child-like faith and jubilation, I began to read the results of my questionnaire.

That’s when the not-so-pleasant emotions began to crash in undulating waves.

I held it together until my drive home; the details of what exactly I did do while I was still at work after this experience remain hazy at this point.

For now, I am choosing to pray and to wait until more is revealed.

~pressing into my design, on the Indiana prairie

Long Neglected

So many minutes gone forever. . .

So many important things moved forward and/or completed. . .

Things are falling into a more settled and “normal”-feeling place.

I continue to want more creative space and more time to read aloud to my students.

And, I continue to believe that this too will happen more frequently.

Am I wrongly hopeful?  I think not.

Circumstances have helped motivate me to be more intentional about all that is important in my life right now.  The value created that comes from these things happening then propels me to be more intentional and to keep pressing toward improvement.

It is a happy, self-perpetuating cycle.

~soaking in the reality of being thankful and blessed, on the Indiana prairie

Enough?

You all knew it was coming — so did I.  Reality starts to set in and things lose their glow.

My workplace is still a great place to work, “a place that it doesn’t suck to go to work.”

I am still moving forward toward my objectives and goals within my job description.

I am still enjoying the process and the people and the work.

But, am I accomplishing enough fast enough?  Am I meeting expectations?

I have made some mistakes along the path and cleaned up my messes; I still cringe when I make mistakes, which is something that is an ongoing work in progress to adjust inside of me.

But. . .

 

~living more in reality, on the Indiana prairie