Silently, gently showering down since about 9:00 a.m., the pristine white snow blankets our backyard. A double-fisted flock of house wrens plus a few other assorted birds chatter and scold one another as they flit on and off our birdfeeder that was once filled with sunflower seeds.
“Snow days” sound a siren call to my creative soul – “bake,” they wooed in my pre-college years. “Brood and write alone,” their voices whispered seductively during my college years. Though not as enticing nor as perceivable above the din of having babies, raising children and homeschooling — still their invitation to create was sensed during those years.
Today, after putting in my obligatory 5 hours of work this morning and taking care of the daily household and personal tasks that required my attention, I find myself at the dining room table soaking up the tableau outside. I am not brooding, but I am writing. Earlier today, I moved mentally toward the plan of starting a soup in my Instant Pot (using the slow cook feature, and no, the irony of that was not lost on me in that moment; and yes, I did in fact laugh out loud), but abandoned that idea when I realized that I need to make bone broth this weekend before I make the soup.
The very last task I turned my attention to before writing was to do some more research and planning for the silent prayer retreat that I want to complete in the next few months. In past years, I have scheduled it for near my birthday in February, but this year waiting until after a commitment that I have is completed is a better timing for me.
(A red-headed woodpecker has joined the gaggle of birds competing for the sunflower booty; the smaller birds are less chatty and flitting while he is on the birdfeeder. Group dynamics are real even in nature.)
My hands down favorite place to go on retreat is a small air b-n-b type place in the northern part of the state. The dates that I want are not available, AND it’s more than I want to pay this time around. I have no argument about the price per night; it’s reasonable for the amenities.
What amenities do I really need on a silent prayer retreat? Am I not getting away so that I can unplug and be silent and alone?
I think I have been lying to myself about why I have chosen the various locations that I have chosen in the past. The truth is that I do like having the option to not be silent, to entertain myself somehow, to be “plugged back in” if I want to do that. Oh yes — I tell myself that I won’t do that, and generally I haven’t. But I also have not been willing to simply lay down the opportunity to even choose whether I do or not.
My old nemesis, the desire to control, is a persuasive liar and a master of disguise. I am thankful that God is helping me to see through the smoke and mirrors, but also sad that my desire to control is so strong, so pervasive and so silently present with me.
I had to dash away for a moment to set up pizza dough in our bread machine. Then while in the kitchen I noticed that there were a few other tasks that needed my quick attention. The lovely vista I return to here recenters me in peace.
“What if you just receive each day as a gift from me?” God asked me that while I was on my way to getting into bed last night. I didn’t even know that I was complaining or moving toward control or plotting or planning or any other such thing. “Yeah, I would like that, too.” I replied.
He continues to speak to me about my longing to know and to be released into my calling, which to me relates to vocation. More than a few decades into my life, and still I have no clue. I do sense that way is being closed behind me, rather than way opening. And that is significant to perceive, to understand and to be thankful for.
Being the “all or nothing,” lover of extremes and user of hyberbole, action-oriented woman that I am, it appeals to me to simply adopt the false attitude of giving up. You know, make a rule and have a catch phrase to remind myself of that rule — possibly starting with “whatever”.
But way closing behind me invites me to continue to walk with God, side-by-side, listening and going with Him. A rule and a catch phrase won’t do. I want to truly surrender and find the peace and joy that results. And even that is a selfish desire.
Would you help me to desire in my very core to bring glory to You in every thought, attitude, word, action, motivation, relationship. . . in everything, God? It’s not about me and my comfort.
~ in the waiting, on the Indiana prairie
amylynndemoss 